Worth Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

Part 2 (Languages) - (Original author: nobody@hangout. rutgers. edu)
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The easiest way to tell a Real Programmer from the crowd is by the programming language (s)he uses.
Real Programmers use FORTRAN. Quiche Eaters use PASCAL. Nicklaus Wirth, the designer of PASCAL,
gave a talk once at which he was asked, "How do you pronounce your name?" He replied, "You can call
me either by name, pronouncing it' Veert', or call me by value' Worth'." One can tell immediately from this
comment that Nicklaus Wirth is a Quiche Eater. The only parameter passing mechanism endorsed by Real
Programmers is call-by-value-return, as implemented in the IBM/370 FORTRAN-G and H compilers. Real
programmers don't need all these abstract concepts to get their job done - they are perfectly happy with
a keypunch, a FORTRAN IV compiler and a beer.
- Real Programmers do List Processing in FORTRAN.
- more...

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth. "Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I'm out." The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. "Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900, so $900 is what I'm out."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's postdated six years from now."

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth more...

STOCK:
A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND:
What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER:
The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BEAR:
What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL:
What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
MARGIN:
Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION:
A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in. (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this more...