Yesterday Jokes / Recent Jokes
The Speed of Time by Age 0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?"10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings.20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart.30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down? 60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59? 70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks.
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
Three rednecks were sitting on the porch discussing their wives.
"My wife is so dumb," the first said. "Yesterday she drug home a washer and dryer and we ain't even got 'lectricity."
"My wife is dumber than yers," said the second. "Yesterday she brung home a dishwasher and we ain't even got no runnin' water."
"My wife is the dumbest of all," the third said. "Yesterday her purse was on the kitchen table. Everythin' was dumped out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin' right there... and she ain't even got a dick!"
Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
EmilyDec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
EmilyDec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
EmilyDec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down more...
Something happened to me yesterday that will never, ever, happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.