Yesterday Jokes / Recent Jokes

CLASSIFIED ERRORS, from a small-town daily:
(Monday) FORE SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 p. m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
(Tuesday) NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jone's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap: 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p. m.
(Wednesday) NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs. Kelly who loves with him.
(Thursday) NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I SMASHED IT. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit."

Banta Singh saw that his friend santa Singh was very
depressed.
"What happened ?" asked banta.
"Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . " "How come ?"
"Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England
was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win,
but I lost the bet."
" But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ?" " Yaar, I
bet on the highlights too "

Some of the more interesting excuses seen in the principal’s office.
Unedited.
----------–
1– MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR’S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.
2– PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT
3– DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC’s JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN 28, 29, 30, 31, 32
AND ALSO 33.
4–PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.
5–PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P. E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A
TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.
6–JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE.
7–CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT
IN THE GROWING PART.
8–MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY
CLOSE VEINS.
9–CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.
10–PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL HE HAS VERY LOOSE more...

Ad in Paper - sewing machine for sale
MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Pbone 948-0707 after 7 P. M.. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap. TUESDAY Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P. M." WEDNESDAY Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoyiny telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P. M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him." THURSDAY Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper but she quit!

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a more...

These are actual excuses given by parents of school children:
Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Excuse Helen. She has been under the Doctor.
John was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
Please excuse Patricia from jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Alice for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Please excuse Vera. She is having problems with her ovals.

M'wana Ndeti, a member of Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday
to crush a nut.
Ndeti, who spent 20 minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily cracked it open by smashing it
repeatedly with the powerful modem.
"I could not crush the nut by myself," said the 47-year-old Ndeti, who added the savory nut to a
thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With IBM's help, I was able to break it." Ndeti discovered
the nut-breaking, 28. 8 V. 34 modem yesterday, when IBM was shooting a commercial in his southwestern
Zaire village. During a break in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via
computer with Japanese school children, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took the modem, which he
believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil.
IBM officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to provide Ndeti with practical
solutions to his more...