Yesterday Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, banta finds morron crying. He asks morron, "what happened?". Morron says,"day before yesterday, my uncle died and left me with rs. 1, 00, 00, 000." banta says,"that should make you happy." morron says,"that's not the whole story. Yesterday, another uncle died and left me rs. 2, 00, 00, 000 and i have only two uncles".

The following are some classic written excuses given
to teachers in the Alburquerque public school system:
"Please excuse Dianne from being absent yeaterday. She
was in bed with gramps."
"Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault."
"Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in
his side."
"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken
off his face."
"Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor."
"Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she
had a going over."
"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take
fizical ed. Please execute him."
"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing
football. He was hit in the growing part."
"My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines."
"Please excuse Joyce from P. more...

THE 16 DAYS OF VIAGRA
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.

Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to more...

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P. E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from P. E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday more...

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.
The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to be confronted by his teacher. Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?" Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday." Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?" Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you know.