York Jokes / Recent Jokes

On a California freeway:
Fine for Littering
In the window of an Atlanta clothing store:
Sid's Pants is Open
On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service:
Able to Do the Worst Possible Job
In a New York jewelry store:
Genuine Faux Pearls
In a Kansas City oculist's office:
Broken lenses duplicated here
In a Boston fast-food parking lot:
Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only
Billboard on Florida highway:
If You Can't Read, We Can Help
On the Triborough Bridge in New York:
In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge
On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart:
We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.
At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA:
Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended
On a Rapid City store:
Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait
On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant:
The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom more...

Lazzy Airlines
-Passengers on a Lazzy flight heard this announcement from the captain:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean"
The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we at Lazzy Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the plane"
After this announcement all the pasengers rearranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean.
The captain once again made an annoucement: "Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane, open your emergency exits and more...

NEW YORK - New York Stock Exchange officials released a statement Monday admitting that the exchange, one of the primary means by which the nation's economic health is measured, is in reality a made-up and largely random mishmash of numbers and meaningless statistics.
"The whole 'stock exchange' idea came about around the turn of the century at the request of publisher William Randolph Hearst, who was looking for something to fill the back half of his New York Journal," NYSE's Ian Silver said. "So a man named Henry Tillman came up with the idea of a 'stock-ticker' device, which spewed out reams of bogus numbers for Hearst to reprint."
NYSE has no plans to disband.

New York, NY
Police across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam.
According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on their phone bill.
The call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into a 900 "pay-per-call" system which allows the charge to be added to the phone bill.
"People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me from out of state? It must be important,'" said an investigator.

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere. The customer retorted, "Oh, don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him.
The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions." she said.
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.
"Second, I want more...

Three guys are sitting at a bar: One from Hawaii, one from California, and one from New York. The guy from Hawaii says, "Where I come from people are so nice that after you've had two drinks at the bar the guy next to you will buy you your third."

The guy from California thinks about this for a second and says, "Well that's nothing where I come from, after you've had one drink the guy next to you will by you your second."

The man from New York thinks about this and then replies, "Yeah well, where I come from you sit down at the bar and the guy next to you buys you your first, second, third and fourth drink, takes you around the town in their Mustang, and then take you home and lay you till next Sunday!"

The two men look at him amazed as the man takes a sip of his beer and then says, "Well at least that's what my sister tells me!"

Adam