"Calls For Tragic Death Of" joke

Calls For Tragic Death Of Streisand
With sales of Princess Di memorabilia falling off sharply after a record
1997, collectible-plate-industry leaders Monday called for the tragic
death of beloved entertainer Barbra Streisand.
"For the 1998 Christmas season to be anywhere near as successful as last
year's, we need a heartbreaking, untimely end to a wonderful life that we
can commemorate with a series of limited-edition collector's plates," said
Franklin Mint president Jim Campion, who joined representatives from the
Bradford Exchange and Danbury Mint in a unified call for Streisand's
tragic demise. "The death of Barbra Streisand, with her upscale, intensely
devoted following, would be ideal."
Economists say the unexpected death of a star of Streisand's magnitude
would translate to a 70 percent sales boost for the $1 billion
collectible-plate industry.
"A Streisand death would probably outsell all other recent celebrity
deaths combined, including Princess Di and Frank Sinatra," said Andrew
Culpepper of The Wall Street Journal. "I could easily see QVC moving
anywhere from 500,000 to a million units of Streisand memorabilia in the
first week alone. After all, we're talking about the woman who sang
'People,' 'Evergreen' and 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers.'"
Directly addressing the Funny Girl star, Campion urged Streisand to give
"serious consideration" to the collectible-plate-industry's request.
"Ms. Streisand, you have lived a life of comfort and wealth, much of which
was made possible by the selling of collectibles and memorabilia bearing
your image. We feel it would be fair and honorable of you to 'give
something back,' both to your fans and the collectibles industry, by
passing away in a manner that leaves the world stunned and deeply in want
of some tangible object commemorating your rare beauty and talent, an
object your fans can hold on to as a treasured keepsake and an assurance
that your spirit will always be with them."
Among the means of death recommended by collectible-plate-industry
leaders: car crash, helicopter crash, skiing accident, drowning,
accidental shooting, or a rare, degenerative disease that Streisand had
been bravely battling for years in secret. Surprisingly, they were also
open to the possibility of a sleeping-pill overdose.
"While embarrassing and potentially tarnishing to a star's legacy, the
perennial success of Elvis Presley memorabilia proves that a drug-related
death does not necessarily hurt sales. In fact, in some cases it can
actually help," Campion said. "We therefore wholeheartedly approve of this
mode of demise."
In anticipation of a possible Streisand death, plate-makers are busily
developing merchandise lines. The Bradford Exchange is planning "The
Evergreen Collection," a line of premium, gold-inlaid plates depicting
Streisand in scenes from such cinematic triumphs as Yentl, Nuts and The
Mirror Has Two Faces. Additional plates commemorate such landmark moments
in Streisand history as her triumphant 1994 return concert at Madison
Square Garden, her 1981 "Best Pop Duet" Grammy for "Guilty" with Barry
Gibb, and her brief 1970s marriage to Elliott Gould.
Said Bradford Exchange vice-president of marketing Theodore Deele: "Each
Evergreen Collection plate will be available for just two easy payments
of $49 plus shipping and handling, and will be limited to 200 firing
dates, virtually guaranteeing it to be a rare, sought-after collectible.
It will also come with a certificate of authenticity stating unequivocally
that this is indeed a plate with a picture of Barbra Streisand on it."
The Bradford Exchange is already accepting reservations for the plate,
promising customers an unconditional money-back guarantee should Streisand
decline to expire.
Numerous other industries have praised the collectible-plate
manufacturers' call for Streisand's death. Said Laura Samuelson, president
of the American Association of Florists: