"Lenny Hates... Travel" joke

I can’t even figure out why people remotely like travel!

It’s dumbfounding. Why would people love to travel? You have to buy luggage which doesn’t fit in your apartment. Then you have to forget something simple, yet vital, like your toothbrush-you end up buying a new one for triple the money in the foreign city. Not to mention you have to learn the word toothbrush in the destination city. It took me 20 minutes to explain what I was looking for in Montreal, and 30 minutes in Alabama.

Then it’s planes, trains, and automobiles. I don’t ever remember going on a long trip in ANY of these and thinking, “This is fun!” Especially when I was getting strip-searched by Israeli customs. Luckily, I got to sit next to a fat, orthodox man for 11 hours on that trip!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee, travel! By the way, the hack jokes about crying babies are all true. I DARE you to sit next to one crying baby for one hour and not think once about murder, flushing it down the plane's hydraulic toilet, and then ultimately suicide.

The historic sites? I live in NYC. If you told me to go to the Statue of Liberty, I’d laugh at you-but I go to Paris and you want me to climb the Eiffel tower? Are you shitting me? Visit a stupid landmark and be surrounded by people speaking a language other than English? I’d sooner go to Harlem and stare at Malcolm X Blvd. There I’ll hear eight languages and they all basically translate to, “What the hell is that cracker doing here?”

By the way, right now, everyone hates us Americans and/or is trying to kill us! Where do you want to go-Asia? Two-day plane ride, bird flu, and that Korean midget is trying to bomb our West Coast. How about Africa? Famine, starvation, and you get 43 shots in your ass to protect you from 8,000 diseases and the tsetse fly. France? We were so mad at them we changed the name of French Fries! The Middle East? Maybe a nice tour of Iraq? I hear they have some new ruins. Maybe I could bring home some shrapnel for Grandma. Amsterdam? When I take up drugs. Australia? Three days on a plane to see a couple of kangaroos and the toilet water go down in a different direction? Nope. Florida? Hurricane season. New Orleans? Gone. San Francisco? One earthquake away from bye-bye. Shall I go on?

Here’s the worst news: Family vacation this Saturday. On a cruise. To Bermuda. Can you say, Bermuda Triangle? When I disappear, remember who didn’t want to go.

comments (0)