1000 Jokes / Recent Jokes
A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'
'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'
'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'
'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'
A large, powerfully built guy meets a woman at a bar, and after several
drinks, they go back to his place. As they are getting ready for the
act,
he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms, and says,
"See
that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.
The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says,
referring
to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of
dynamite!"
She is aching for action at this point.
Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs
her
purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she
is
able to leave, and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"
She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was
afraid you were about to blow!"
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.
"How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this more...
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man more...
If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $72.
If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the 5-cent deposit, you would have $79.
My advice is to start drinking heavily.
A newfy man walks into a bar and orders himself a drink. when the bar tender brings it over to him, he ask him if he was a betting man. The bar tender replys, why yes, i, ve been known to take a bet from time to time, depending on what it was. why?
Well, says the newfoundlander, i, m willing to bet you $1000.00 that i could piss in that shot glass on the shelf behind your head!...The bar tender turns to see where he was pointing and then looks back at the newfy and says to him, ok pal your on, but you have to do it from where you, re standing.
Not a problem says the newf, so the bar tender places his $1000.00 on the bar next to the newfs and then the newf pulls down his fly and starts to pee.
He, s pissin on the bar, on the wall, on the floor, and even on the bar tender, but not one drop goes into the shot glass!
When he finishes, the bar tender"LAUGHING TO KILL HIMSELF" picks up his newly won money and then realizes that the newf is laughing as well.
So more...