1000 Jokes / Recent Jokes

A husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days. The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night. The husband asked her about what. She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500. 00 and the big ones went for $1000. 00. The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes! Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that " I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500. 00 and the tight ones went for $1000. 00. The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for. Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction!

A smart blonde (no, that's not the joke) goes into a bank in New York and asks if she can take out a loan of $1000. The banker, not trusting the woman, asks her for collateral. The woman decides she'll give the man her brand new BMW for collateral until she can pay the man back. The banker, thinking that she's such a dumb blonde she's willing to put a car worth a ton of money up for a measly $1000, jumps on the deal, so he takes the car and gives her the money.
2 months later, the blonde comes back with a briefcase and opens it up before the banker. Inside is the $1000 neatly placed inside. The banker is amazed but responds, "Um, you forgot the interest. It'll be $50."
The blonde quietly takes out her purse and pulls out a crisp new $50 bill. The teller also caught a quick glance at the inside of her purse and noticed numerous amounts of $50s, $100s and even a $1000 bill.
The banker replies, "Wow, did that $1000 dollars I lent you help you make all more...

One day, a bar owner decided he had enough of the slow business and needed a gimmick. He finally decided on one. He got a horse and put it in the bar. He placed a sign over the horse and had the sign read.
"Pay $100, make the horse laugh win $1000" For years, the gimmick worked. Finally, a man walked into the bar saw the sign and asked, "Is that sign for real?" The bar owner told him it was.
The man paid $100, walked up to the horse and whispered something to the horse. The horse started to laugh falling to his knees.
The next day, the owner changed the sign.
Pay $100, make the horse cry, win $1000. For years the gimmick worked. One day, the same man walked into the bar and saw the sign. He paid the bar owner $100 and asked for a curtain. The man closed the curtain and then opened it a couple of moments later. The horse was now crying up a storm.
The man walked up to the bar owner and asked for his money. "Not so fast", the bar owner more...

A man was in his bed dying, slipping in and out of consciousness, and his wife came into the room with his doctor and the parish priest.
"Mrs. Kelleher, you realize that the bill for my services is $1000," the doctor said.
"Fine, I'll see to it that it's paid from the insurance."
"And, don't forget, Doreen, the funeral and casket will cost $1000," the priest said.
"Don't worry, Father, I'll see to it that you're paid as well."
The three walked over to the bed and the doctor stood on one side of the man and the priest stood on the other. He opened his eyes and saw the two men there, and said, "Father, would you tell the people at my funeral that I died as Jesus died?"
"Do you mean pure of heart and poor in spirit, Tom?"
"No, I mean between two thieves."

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered
what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets
an idea. He calls his father.
"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they
actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
So the boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - now they have more...

At a prominent Parisian brothel, the madam opened the ornate gilded door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were dishevelled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I'm here for Natalie," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natalie's one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man she charged $1000 per visit.

The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained no-one had ever come back two nights in a row and there were no discounts. It was still $1000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the more...

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the more...