Advanced Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

Time Limit: 3 weeks
Foreign Language: What Language is spoken in France?
History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions
-OR-
Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to
A. build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
Religion: What religion is the Pope?
A. Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (circle only one)
Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?
Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
Religion: How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)
Geography: What are people in America's far north called?
A. Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
European History: Six kings of England have more...

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Heres a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!"What else do you have?" asks the student."Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment." He goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter."I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know. .. mat h always was a little hard to swallow."

A British doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work
in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That`s nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced we can take
half a heart out of one person put it in another and have them both looking
for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind, we
just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and
now half the country is looking for work, and the other half preparing for
war."

Here is another installment from The Man himself - this was taken from MATT GROENING'S "BIG BOOK OF HELL" (surprise).
When in doubt, howl your innocence:
"No way!"
"I've been framed!"
"I didn't do nuthin'!"
"Lemme see my lawyer!"
WHAT IS TROUBLE? The experts explain.
Expert #1: Trouble is bad. It messes up yer mind, causes shame, and annoys big grumpy adults. Trouble is one of the leading causes of spankings in the world today.
Expert #2: Trouble is the maladaptive social response of an inquisitive youth to a stultifying educational environment.
Expert #3: Trouble is fun, except when you get caught. My problem is, I always get caught.
BASIC TROUBLE: Whispering, squirming, passing notes, chewing gum, talking, drawing cartoons
ADVANCED TROUBLE: Hiding all the blackboard erasers, stealing back your confiscated yo-yo from the teacher's desk, throwing water balloons, squirting water on the more...

This one will perhaps only be good for your more advanced students.
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely,' Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'
The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help.' Please,' he says to one of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does.' Please,' the piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.
'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.
The barman looks at him quizzically and says' aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?'
'No' came the answer,' I'm a frayed knot.'

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That's nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.