Andy Jokes / Recent Jokes

A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said.But Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter. Then the Blonde started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..."

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while."

Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

Andy noticed that little Jill was wearing a medical alert bracelet and asked her what it was for.
"I have to wear it because I'm allergic to nuts and eggs," Jill explained.
"Gosh, are you allergic to cats too?" asked Andy.
"I'm not sure," replied Jill. "I haven't eaten one yet."

Andy Dick is accused of grabbing a bouncer's crotch and groping and kissing a male patron at a bar in Huntington, West Virginia. Said the male patron, "Nobody touches and kisses me like that except my cousin."

Andy was out playing golf when his ball landed on the rough in a patch of buttercups. Just as he lifted his club in the air, he heard a faint voice, "Please, don't hurt my buttercup."
Startled, he lowered his club and took a look around to confirm that he was alone. Satisfied that he was, he began to raise his club when he again heard the same voice, a little louder this time, "Please, don't hurt my buttercups."
Unsure of what to make of it, he spoke aloud, "Hello? Is anyone out there?" Immediately, a small fairy appeared before him. "I am the forest fairy. If you don't hurt my buttercups, then I shall give you all the butter you want for the rest of your life."
"Where the hell were you when I was in the pussywillows?" Andy replied.

A blonde dies and goes to the pearly gates of heaven to meet Saint Peter... He first tells her that the only way she can get through the gate is to pass a quite simple test." What is The Son Of God's name?" he asks. She thinks for a minute, rubbing her chin in deep thought. "Andy!" She bursts out with a gleaming smile." No, I'm sorry that is incorrect, what made you say that?" he asks. She starts singing... "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, andy tells me..."

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?" Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains." "What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector. "Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there." "What if that had been struck by lightning?" "Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box." "What if the phone was engaged?" "Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there." "What if that was vandalised?" "Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas." This puzzles the more...