Andy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way. Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,..."Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying..."WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted." I haven't added them up yet!"

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I''d dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I''d use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Andy continues, "I''d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I''d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was more...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.
"Andy," the new guy replied.
"Now, look," the manager scowled, "I don't know what kind of unprofessional place you worked in before, but I don't call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only-Smith, Turner, Baker-that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Stott. So now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is Andy Darling."
"Okay, Andy, now the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Today I learned Andy Samberg of SNL fame is dating Kirsten Dunst aka Marie Antoinette, Queen of Lame. Uncool Andy. Why won't you return my calls? Also uncool. (quickly IMDBs Kirsten Dunst) Well, have fun Bringing it On in Elizabethtown while this Crazy/Beautiful Mona Lisa is NOT Smiling. Enjoy your constant Interview with a snaggletoothed Vampire. Why can't you be MY Spider Man for once? Am I not Drop Dead Gorgeous? Why do you have to be such a Dick? You told me I was The Cat's Meow! Did you catch the US Open last week at Wimbledon? Me either. Anyway, Im gonna go play Jumanji with some Little Women. Oh, and thanks for leaving me Fifteen and Pregnant. I'll Get Over It.
Deeply,
Deanna

A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what Gods name was. Oh thats easy, the man replied, His name is Andy. What make you think his name is Andy? the angel asked incredulously. Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.
The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.
But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Andy was away from school for 2 days because he had a flu. On the third day when he went back to school, his teacher told him how he felt. I feel with my hands Miss!