Angeles Jokes / Recent Jokes

Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles. The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will be used at high schools. A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin) AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8, 000 employees. Ever conscious of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job forwarding. El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 more...

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much t ime washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to more...

The radio show was Queensland FM (QFM) and the host was Jim.
The phone-in competition was to give an English word that's not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles.
The show went as follows (don't forget the Aussie accent):
Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim. What's your name and what's your word'
Caller: 'This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n. '
Jim: 'Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.'
Bob from the bush: 'Gaan f*** yourself!'
Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: 'Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language.'
Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later...
Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim at more...

The following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...

- I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted' I know it is real, I see people check in every week!'

- Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked,' would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?'

- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with' I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look like the more...

A recent admittee to the bar accepted a job at a prestigious law firm in Los Angeles. Many law firms competed for the new attorney because of his top class ranking and because of his well-known wit and intellect as shown while he was editor of his school’s law review.
The new attorney packed his bags and boarded a flight to Los Angeles. As the attorney is stowing his carry on luggage in the overhead compartment, he notices a very attractive woman coming down the aisle towards him. The attorney takes his seat just as the woman stops, checks her seat assignment and sits down right next to him. The attorney is on cloud nine. Three hours sitting next to a goddess. It was sheer heaven the attorney thought to himself.

Eager to strike up a conversation with the woman, he asks “Business or vacation? ” With a warm smile the woman turns towards him and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in L. A. ” The young attorney can’t believe his more...

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link -Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us -Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut -The New York Times, November 22
Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find -The Los Angeles Times, November 2
"Light" meals are lower in fat, calories -Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
Alcohol ads promote drinking -The Hartford Courant, November 18
Malls try to attract shoppers -The Baltimore Sun, October 22
Official: Only rain will cure drought -The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men -The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
Low Wages Said Key to Poverty -Newsday, July 11
Man shoots neighbor with machete -The Miami Herald, July 3
Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes -The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
Dirty-Air Cities Far more...