Aussie Jokes / Recent Jokes

Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the US study were incorrect. After three years of research and costs in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the women with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't trust the US or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached a conclusion.
They came to the final conclusion that the more...

one day this aussie was sitting in a bar and a yankee comes and gives him a chop on the side neck and says thats a karate chop from japan so the yankee goes back to his friends and comes back a little whhile later and gives the aussie a chop on the other side of the neck and says thats a judo chop from korea so the aussie drinks his beer and walks out and comes back an hour later and goes up to the yankee and hits him over the head and the yankee gets knocked out and the aussie says to the barman tell him when he wakes up say that was a crowbar from bunnings.

An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.
'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.
'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'
'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.
'Oh really,' says Saint Peter.' What have you done then?'
'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'
'Oh,' says Saint Peter,' anything else?'
'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'
'Hmmm, anything else?'
'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'
'OK,' said Saint Peter,' you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'
Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says,' I've more...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice at large!"

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says,"We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks,"And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these' Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another' Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. The Aussie bloke can't handle this, more...

there was 3 men on a boat a chinese an aussie and a mexican and the boat was sinking so the aussie said throw off what you have heaps of in your country so the mexican stood up in the boat and threw off heaps of cigares and said we have heaps of them in our country the chinese stood up and threw off heaps of money and said we have heaps of that in our country and the aussie stood up and threw off the chinese man and said we have heaps of them in our country

This Australian cricket supporter is at the World Cup final when he has a heart attack. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, he meets up with St. Peter, who asks him why he thinks he deserves to enter Heaven.
"Well," the Aussie says, "three weeks ago I gave ten dollars to a charity for the disabled!"
St. Peter frowns and says, "What else?"
"Two weeks ago I gave ten dollars to the homeless shelter!" the Aussie continues.
"What else?"
"A week ago I gave ten dollars to the orphanage!"
So Peter tells the Aussie to wait for just a minute and he'll be right back. About five minutes later Peter returns and says, "Well, I have discussed your case with the Boss, and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty dollars back, now go to Hell!"