Aussie Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three men (an Aussie, an Irish bloke and a German fella) are in an old plane trying to make it around the world. As they pass Germany, the German fella yells, "I love my country!" and throws a bag of gold overboard.
When they pass Ireland, the Irish bloke shouts, "I love my country!" and throws a bag of silver overboard.
When they pass Australia, the Aussie yells, "I hate my country!" and he throws a bomb overboard.
They finished their flight soon thereafter. When the German gets back to his country, he walks along happily until he sees a small boy crying. "What's wrong?" he asks. "Can I help?"
The little boy cries, "A bag of gold hit my mother on the head, and now she's unconscious in the hospital." The German walks away, feeling sorry for the little fella.
When the Irish bloke gets to his country, he sees a little girl crying in the street, and he asks her what's wrong. The little girl replies, "My more...
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!"
The Chinese Businessman called out, "Move it, time is money."
The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest. "What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time."
The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I more...
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's' Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as' Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his more...
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
The radio show was Queensland FM (QFM) and the host was Jim.
The phone-in competition was to give an English word that's not in the Oxford Dictionary and put the word in a sentence. The first prize was a fortnight for two in Los Angeles.
The show went as follows (don't forget the Aussie accent):
Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim. What's your name and what's your word'
Caller: 'This is Bob from the bush and my word is gaan, spelt g. a. a. n. '
Jim: 'Thanks Bob, my assistants are just checking and they are telling me that the word does not appear in the oxford Dictionary, so for two weeks in Los Angeles, please put your word into a sentence.'
Bob from the bush: 'Gaan f*** yourself!'
Jim immediately breaks the call and puts out the following message: 'Ladies and gents, this is a family show and we would appreciate that any future contestants refrain from using such language.'
Forty-five minutes and many unsuccessful contestants later...
Jim: 'Hi, this is Jim at more...
An Aussie, a Yank, and a Texan were telling tall tales.
"In Australia," the Aussie said, "we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."
"That's nothing," the Yank said. "Our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a forklift."
"That's nothing. In Texas, we have women with pussies this big," the Texan said, stretching his hands as wide as they'd go.
"Then, how do you screw them?" asked the Yank.
"They stretch," replied the Texan.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,
"What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"