Aussie Jokes / Recent Jokes

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak".
The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands...! "

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands...! "

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton.
As he paid his bill, he said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh, that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest details of his life."
The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test.
"G'dye, myte!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up. Indeed, the Aussie was impressed.
He went more...

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.
The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHEARING this with no one!"

there was a jewish guy an asian guy and an aussie in an airoeplane that was about to crash. the needed to get rid of as much weight as possible so the jewish guy chuks some bread out the window and says we jewish people have got enough of this and the asain guy chuked a tamagotchi out and said my people have enough of these so then the aussie threw the asian guy out the window and said we have way to may of these in australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?