Aussie Jokes / Recent Jokes

A group of Aussie gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank.
After a lot of thought, they all agree on the way to go about it.
In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich.
Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately.
The robbers, expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables, are more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank.
The first safe's combination is cracked and inside the robbers find only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
'Well,' says one robber to another, 'at least we get a bit to eat.'
They open up the second safe and it also contains nothing but vanilla pudding and the process continues until all the safes are opened and there is not one dollar, a diamond, or an ounce of gold to be found.
Instead, all the safes contain more...

Question: Why do Aussie Rednecks curl their cowboy hats up at the sides?
Answer: So the can fit 3 abreast in a pickup.

NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY, 2002 AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
BADLY PACKED KEBAB
A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia
BEER COAT
The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3 in the morning.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a
booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live,
how you got there, and where you've come from.
BRUCE LEE
Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).
BUDGIE'S TONGUE or SMALL MAN IN A BOAT, or TONGUE PUNCHBAG The female erection.
DOUBLE BASS
A sexual position in which the man enters the woman from behind, and then fiddles with the woman's nipples with one hand and her
Budgie's tongue with the other. The position is similar to that used when playing the double bass more...

1. What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?
>>>
>>> Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink.
>>>
>>>>
2. What's the difference between an Australian and a
>>> computer?
>>>
>>> You only have to punch information into a computer once.
>>>
>>>
>>>3. Why do birds fly upside down over Australian?
>>>
>>> It's not worth shitting on.
>>>
>>>
>>>4. Why was the Christ Child not born in Australia?
>>>
>>> You'd have a job finding three wise men, much less
>>>a virgin! !!!
>>>
>>>
>>>5. What do you call a field full of Australians?
>>>
>>> A vacant lot.
>>>
>>>
>>>6. Parachutes
>>>
>>> An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New
>>>Zealander were onboard a plane, getting ready to make their
>>>first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he
>>>leapt out of the plane with the cry, " I am doing this more...

THE FOSTERS AD DURING THE OLYMPICS
I don't have a kangaroo for a pet
I don't wrestle with crocodiles And I don't wear a cork hat
I fight wars but never start wars I would rather make peace
I can wear my country's flag with pride
I am a rock I am the ocean I am the island continent
My neighbours are the Smiths, the Wilson's, the Santerellis,
the De Costis, the Wong's and the Jakamarras
I play football without a helmet
I like beetroot on my hamburger
I ride in the front seat of the taxi
I believe it's a prawn not a shrimp
I believe the world is round and down under is on top
I believe Australia is the best address on Earth
And Australians brew the best beer.

now..... THE REAL AUSSIE

I ate my pet Kangaroo
I am shit scared of crocodiles And I wear a baseball cap
I love star wars And the wookie is my favourite
I would rather get pissed
And watch someone else carry the country's more...

An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.
He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.
'Hello mate,' the Aussie says.
'No Australian cricket fans in heaven,' replies Saint Peter.
'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
'You heard, no Australian cricket fans.'
'But, but, but, I've been a good man,' replies the Aussie.
'Oh really,' says Saint Peter. 'What have you done then?'
'Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.'
'Oh,' says Saint Peter, 'anything else?'
'Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.'
'Hmmm, anything else?'
'Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.'
'OK,' said Saint Peter, 'you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.'
Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, 'I've had a word more...