Bars Jokes / Recent Jokes

A big brown bear came out of the hills and walked into a bar in Boulder, Colorado.
The big brown bear sat down at the bar and said, "Hey bartender, bring me a beer." The bartender replied, "Sorry, buddy, we can't serve big brown bears beer, bourbon, brandy or other bubbly booze at beer bars in Boulder."
The big brown bear noticed that a big buxom blonde broad with big boobs was back behind the bar, so the big brown bear said to the bartender, "Hey bartender, I still want a beer, and if you don't bring me a beer, I'm goin' back behind the bar and I'm goin' to eat that big buxom blonde broad with the big boobs." The bartender replied, "Sorry, buddy, but we still don't serve big brown bears beer, bourbon, brandy or other bubbly booze at beer bars in Boulder."
So, the big brown bear jumped back behind the bar and ate the big buxom blonde broad with the big boobs.
The big brown bear then got back on his chair and said, "Now, more...

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.
He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla.
Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)
He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
Shedoes, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more more...

Chocolate, the 5th food group:
Chocolate is a vegetable: Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans.
Beans = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
The problem: how to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Chocolate has more...

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,
S. Berman----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left more...

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down.
He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."
The bartender says, more...

SCENARIO Big black bear walks into a bar in British Columbia, Canada and sits up at the bar.
BLACK BEAR "A beer please, bartender."
BARTENDER "We don't serve big, black bears beer in bars!"
BLACK BEAR "Come on. just one."
BARTENDER "I'll tell you once more. We don't serve big, black bears beer in bars!"
BLACK BEAR "If you don't give me a beer, I'll go and eat the girl sitting at the end of this bar."
SCENARIO No beer. Bear eats girl sitting at bar!
BARTENDER "I told you we don't serve big, black bears beer in bars, especially one on drugs."
BLACK BEAR "I don't do drugs!"
BARTENDER "Yes you do,... that was a bar bitch you ate!"

A bear walks into a bar in Butte, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Butte,"

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bar bears in Butte,"

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Butte,"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Butte that are on drugs!"

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs!"

The bartender says, more...