Bars Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo. The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, lept to the ground and kissed her. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest. The nouns met again a week later and one of the nouns asked her friend,"I have one question.Did he sent flowers afterwards...?"

You Know You're Canadian When:
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.
You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
You know what a toque is.
You've plugged a car in overnight.
You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.
After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.
Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.
This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.
The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.
The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said,"We shall never talk about this, agreed?" The other young nun consented.
Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend," I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question."
The other nun stared and said,"O.K., one question!"
The other nun stammered, then asked, "Did it hurt?"
"Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called... never more...

Why are the terrorists so quick to commit suicide?
Let's see:
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.
No pre-marital sex.
No oral sex ever.
No booze.
No Titty bars.
No Hooters Bars. "What is this Hooters of which you speak!"
No Playboy Channel.
No organized sports of any kind to speak of.
Fucking sand everywhere.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
No toilet paper. Eating with your right hand only causes you to wipe your ass with your left.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door... No, wait. Is that music? Shit, can't tell.
Bar-B-Q cooked over camel shit....
Oh, and by the way when you die it all gets better!

Typical night in Yuma, Arizona ..Here's where it went downhill:

Me: what are you doing later?
Her: picking up "my kid"
Me: right on, full work week starts tomorrow..
Her: O, I don't work.
Me: School?
Her: not yet, hey I need a smoke.
Me: right on......
Her: can you order me another drink.
Me: I gotta go...