Bears Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?".
She replied, "You may select any prize from the bottom self."

Once there was this hunter, out in the forest, hunting bears.

As the hunter approached a clearing in the forest, he saw a bear. One of the biggest bears he'd ever seen. So he crouches down behind a largish rock, takes careful aim with his shotgun, and fires. After the smoke clears, he runs down to the clearing, and the bear's body is gone!

He searches the clearing, but to no avail. Then there's a tap-tap-tap on his shoulder. The hunter looks around, and it's the bear! "You just tried to kill me, didn't you?". Says the bear."Uh, no. No I didn't". The hunter, taken aback by a talking bear, lies."Yes you did. Don't lie, or I'll rip your arms off" "Uh, yeah, yeah I did." "Alright", says, the bear, "I'll let you go if you do one thing for me." "What's that?", inquires the hunter. "Give me a head-job." "What??" "On your knees" So, the hunter obliges, and leaves the more...

A Belgian met a Dutch friend, who was driving a Rolls Royce and spending money like water.
' How did you het so rich?' the Belgian asked.
' I went to Canada, to shoot bears. The fur coats are very expensive.'
' How do you go about shooting bears?'
' It's very simple. You should go there in winter. When you enter a cave you will find a bear. Since it is in hybernation, it is very easy to shoot it.'
Three months later they meet again. This time the Belgian is entirely wrapped in bandages.
' What has happened to you?'
' Well' the Belgian replies:' I went to Canada, I entered a cave with my gun, and then suddenly... the train came'.

The thRee bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."
"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"
"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.
"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."
"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked more...

A bear is chasing a rabbit through a forest. They find a bottle and decide to rub it. A genie pops out. He says "I will grant each of you three wishes." The bear says "I wish all the bears in the forest were females." *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "I wish for a motorcycle." *poof* It's done. The bear says "I wish all the bears in this country were females." *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "I wish for a lifetime supply of carrots back at my house." *poof* It's done. The bear is thinking to himself "why is the rabbit wasting his wishes on stupid small things? oh well." "And for my third wish, I wish that all the bears in the world were female." *poof* It's done. The rabbit says "For MY last wish, I want the bear to be gay." And he rides off on his motorcycle.

A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer. The bartender approached and said, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. ” The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer. The bartender again told him, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana. ” The bear, very angry now, said, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar. ” The bartender once again said, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana. ” The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer. The bartender said, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs. ” The bear said, ” I’m not on drugs. ” The bartender said, “Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate. ”

Q: What kind of money to polo bears use? A: Ice lolly! Q: Have you ever hunted bear? A: No, but I've been shooting in my shorts! Q: How do you start a teddy bear race? A: Ready, teddy, go! Q: What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp? A: A bear faced lyre! Q: Why do bears have fur coats? A: Because they'd look stupid in anoraks! Q: What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig? A: A teddy boar! Q: What should you call a bald teddy? A: Fred bear! Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath? A: A little bear! Q: What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown? A: Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin! Q: What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear? A: Winnie the Pooh!