Benny Jokes / Recent Jokes
Benny's car ran out of gas on a desert highway. He began to walk, but soon was crawling, dizzy with thirst. Finally, a car stopped.
"Water, Water!" gasped Benny. "Gee, I'm all out," said the driver, "but I've got some beautiful ties for sale. Like to buy one?"
"Water, water!" gasped Benny. "Look, there's a restaurant about five miles on. You'll be okay," said the tie salesman, and he drove off. Benny crawled to the restaurant and collapsed at the maitre d's feet.
"Water, water!" gasped Benny. "Sorry," replied the maitre d', "you can't come in without a tie!"
The matchmaker
Benny, the shadkhan, goes to see Abe, a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Abe, you mustn`t wait too long. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you`ll meet and be married in no time!" says Benny.
"Don`t bother," replies Abe, "I`ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That`s all well and good," said Benny, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said `two sisters`. I didn`t say they were mine!"
A cruise liner goes down in the Pacific and Benny is the only survivor. He manages to swim to an uninhabited island. Many year's later, when a search party finally comes to rescue him, they see that he has constructed two synagogues on his tiny island. "Why the two synagogues?" the leader asks Benny. Benny points to the nearest one and replies, "That's the one I go to every Saturday. The other one, I wouldn't go inside if you paid me!"
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
Jack Benny was for about 50 years one of the USA's favorite comedians. One of his gimmicks was to play the violin badly (the audience would boo and laugh).
Jack Benny tells of the time he carried his violin case to the White House to perform for President Eisenhower. A guard stopped him and asked, "What's in that case?"
To be funny, Benny replied, "A machine-gun."
"Thank goodness," deadpanned the guard, "I was afraid it was your violin!"
Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished.
One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.
"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."
Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife and lo and behold she was. Finally, he wished more...