Family Jokes

An Attorney was riding home in his limo and noticed two men sitting on the side of the road eating grass, he told his driver to stop and investigate.

His driver went to the two men and asked, sirs why are you eating grass? The first man replied, I have no money and must eat grass. The driver told the Attorney. The attorney would not hear of it and said come to my house and I will feed you. The man stated, sir I have a wife and three children, and then the second man spoke up and said I have a wife and six children. The Attorney says it is ok bring them all, there is enough for everyone.

It takes about twenty minutes to get everyone into the car and they are on their way.Shortly after the two men are totally overtaken and are saying to the Attorney, sir I do not know how to thank you and we are not able to repay you, thank you for your kindness. The Attorney says to them do not worry about it, it is fine and plenty for everyone. You will love my house, the grass is more...

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address or internet access you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a more...

A
guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always
wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads
in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day
he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for
sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed
to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about
it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you
gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty
simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside
and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain. In
fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my
tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it."
and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.
He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's
ecstatic (being a Harley more...

In a small town some where in Illinois lies a family. It consisted of a husband, wife, three sons, and a daughter. One of the sons had a terrible secret.

"Dad, I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm gay," said the son.

The Dad was furious he couldn't believe that one of his sons was gay.

A year had passed and his second son approached him and told a very bad secret.

"Dad, I'm sorry to disappoint you but I'm gay."

The Dad went crazy again, he couldn't believe that two out of three sons were gays.

Another year had passed and the third son came forward. "Dad I know you're not going to want to hear this but, I'm gay.

The Dad was enraged he started shouting "DOESN'T ANYONE IN THIS FAMILY LIKE GIRLS ANYMORE?!!"

The daughter said, "I do, I do!"