Carpenter Jokes / Recent Jokes

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consumating their passions. "Every time we make love", she said "I get splinters". So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask his advice.
"Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need" was the carpenter's response.
A couple of weeks later the carpenter met Pinnochio, "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked.

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job."
The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?"
The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."
The foreman says "O. K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job."
The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."
The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"
The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."
The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for more...

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let`s get out of here."

A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches.""What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer."Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.

A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box thatis two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?""Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but whatwould you want a box like that for?""Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgotsome things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"

"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"

"Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters!"So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask for advice." Sandpaper my boy, that's what you need," was the carpenter's response. A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinnochio again, "How are you getting on with the girls now?" "Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio!