Celery Jokes / Recent Jokes

When you sneeze, air and particles travel through the nostrils at speeds over100 mph. During this time, all bodily functions stop, including your heart, contributing to the impossibility of keeping one's eyes open during a sneeze.

Annual growth of WWW traffic is 314,000%

%60 of all people using the Internet, use it for pornography.

In 1778, fashionable women of Paris never went out in blustery weather without a lightning rod attached to their hats.

Sex burns 360 calories per hour.

A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.

Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it.

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words. More than 2 billion pencils are manufactured each year in the United States. If these were laid end to end more...

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.
The celery was like "Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!"
Then the carrot was like "You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!"
Then the dick said "Ya, well I got it the worst.
They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!"

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room more...

Martha Stewart vs Me...Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and more...

Knock Knock Who's there! Celery! Celery who? Celery me you lunch will you, I'm hungry!

I probably shouldn't admit this to you younger readers, but when my generation was your age, we did some pretty stupid things. I'm talking about taking CRAZY risks. We drank water right from the tap. We used aspirin bottles that you could actually open with your bare hands. We bought appliances that were not festooned with helpful safety warnings such as "DO NOT BATHE WITH THIS TOASTER".
But for sheer insanity, the wildest thing we did was - prepare to be shocked - we deliberately ingested carbohydrates.
I know, I know. It was wrong. But we were young and foolish, and there was a lot of peer pressure. You'd be at a party, and there would be a lava lamp blooping away, and a Jimi Hendrix record playing (a "record" was a primitive compact disc that operated by static electricity). And then, when the mood was right, somebody would say: "You wanna do some 'drates?" And the next thing you know, there'd be a bowl of pretzels going around, or crackers, or more...

New KGB Borscht, by Chef V. Pootine 2 quarts beef stock
3 tablespoons butter
1 cup cabbage, finely chopped
1 cup potatoes, diced
1/2 cup carrots, diced
1 stalk celery, minced
1 onion, chopped
1 1/2 cups canned tomatoes
1/2 cup juice (from can of beets)
1 cup cooked or canned beets, diced
1 teaspoon vinegar
chopped dill or parsley (for garnishing)
dollop sour cream a pinch of radioactive isotope polonium-210 In a large heavy pan, melt butter and lightly sauté cabbage, potatoes, carrots, celery and onion for approximately 5 minutes. Add beef stock. Blend canned tomatoes or press through a sieve until fine. Add pureed tomatoes and beet juice to stock. Cover and simmer over low heat until vegetables are firmly tender but not soft. At this point, add the polonium-210, being careful not to get it on any exposed skin, as you will die. Season well with salt and pepper and serve with a dollop of sour cream to your least favorite person.