Centipede Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it - a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay... I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the more...

A man decides that he wants a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet. He walks into the pet store and goes up to the service assistant. "Excuse me, I want a pet, but not just any pet, a really unusual pet".

The service assistant says "I have just the thing for you, it's a talking centipede". "Great!" the man exclaims, "I'll take it!"

The man takes the centipede home in his little box and places him on the kitchen table. He looks into the box and says: "Hey centipede, what about you and me going to the tavern for a beer?" The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy thinks, I'll just go off for five minutes and come back and ask again.

Five minutes pass and the guy returns to the centipede, "Hey centipede, how about you and me go to the tavern for a beer?" Again, the centipede doesn't answer him. Hmmmmm the guy thinks to himself, I'll just go off and watch this TV show, come back and ask more...

Knock-knock.
who's there?
centipede.
centipede who?
centipede around the Christmas tree.

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "Alright, how about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay. I'll try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the countertops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
Then he says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks more...

One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown.
Then came the second half…
First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss.
The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other.
“Who made that tackle? ” asked the ant.
“I did, ” said the centipede.
Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss.
Back in the huddle the flea asked, “Who made that great stop? ” “I did, ” said the centipede.
Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss.
Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, “Where were you in the first half? ”
The centipede replied, more...

What does the male centipede say to the other male centipede when a female centipede walks by?
That's a nice pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs, pair of legs...

"Are you coming to the office Christmas party tomorrow night?" the young man asked his colleague.
"Well" replied his friend "I'd like to but I'm afraid I've got to stay home. My pet will become very anxious if I stay out late."
"Pet?" replied the young man "I didn't know you'd got one. What is it?"
"A centipede."
"A centipede? That's unusual" But that's no problem. Why don't you bring him with you?"
The colleague agreed and the young man said he would collect him from his home.
On the following evening the young man knocked his colleagues door and found him pacing up and down the hallway in an impatient manner.
"Ready for the Christmas party?"
"No I'm not" he replied.
"What's the problem?"
"I've been dressed for absolutely ages and Percy's still not ready".
"Percy?"
"Yes, my centipede. For goodness more...