Chicago Jokes / Recent Jokes

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight and she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me.
So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you're going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down. She picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked more...

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel.
My husband obligingly hailed a cab.
"The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver.
The cabby looked over his shoulder at us.
"And the gentleman?" he asked, "Does he want to go to the bank?"

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only afew blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietlyentered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit."Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."

ATTENTION ALL MICROSOFT HATERS - I have sorted through my tagline manager and have found all of theMicrosoft bashing taglines I can possibly find. Please have yourself a laugh at Bill Gates expense:
I don't hate Windows - it runs great under OS/2!
"Chicago, Windows 4.0, Windows 95"?!?!?!?
"Mr. Worf, blow the Windows-powered Borg ship out of this Universe!"
#1 OS/2 tip: Drag the Windows folder to the shreader!!!
- Opens new Gates not seen through Windows!
.. Bugs come in through open Windows.
..Windows NT Performance", on the next "In Search Of"
After seeing Windows I realized Bill Gates is an idiot.
Air conditioned environment - Do not open Windows.
Best way to dispose of the Borg: Give them Windows 3.1.
Bugs come in through Open Windows
Chernobyl used Windows
Downgrade your system for only 89 dollars! Install Windows!
Error 15 - Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.
Windows Error #F99 - CPU more...

From: Gary Guibor on GEnie
Files can still vote for Mayor Daley even after they've been deleted
Marketing tie-in: new "Kibbles & 32-bits" dog food
New, more-realistic Microsoft Flight Simulator loses your luggage
System events accompanied by audio clip of Super Fans saying "da Bearssssss..."
(DELETED PENDING OUTCOME OF STACKER LAWSUIT)
Automatically taps into bank computers and gives Bill Gates the *rest* of your money
For an additional $2.95 per minute, tech support operators will talk dirty
Authentic-looking spilled coffee on "desktop"
In order to start Lotus 1-2-3, user must be sitting in lotus position
And the number one unpublicized feature of Chicago...
Strip solitaire

Kerry Wood said that not pitching in Chicago next year will leave him disappointed. Ahh, dissapointment. The true mark of a Cubs fan.

Chicago mayor Richard J. Daley famously sought to defend the actions of the city's police during the 1968 Democratic convention. "Get this thing straight once and for all," he said. "The policeman isn't there to create disorder. The policeman is there to preserve disorder!"