Chicago Jokes / Recent Jokes

The jetliner was taking off from Chicago's O'Hare airport.
Shortly after it reached the cruising altitude, the captain began his normal welcoming remarks...
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking... Welcome to Flight 4295, nonstop from Chicago to Newark. Our weather ahead is good and with the tail wind we anticipate a smooth and uneventful flight. So sit back and relax - OH NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the intercom came to life once again. The calm voice of the captain said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was finishing my announcement, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the whole thing right my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "Yeah, right... He should see the back of mine!"

Starbucks was handing out packets of their new instant coffee, VIA, in Chicago today. Cups of hot water were sold for $4 each.

A college professor asked his class a question. "If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angeles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said. "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's half nuts. . . "

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response. .. click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from more...

The chairman of the Chicago Board of Election Commisioners visited a 114 year old woman who registered to vote for the upcoming election. During the press conference, the woman's 82 year old grandson said that he doubted whether she would actually vote on February 5th, since she doesn't know who any of the candiates are, but since this is Chicago, he was sure that someone would vote for her.

According to the Chicago Tribune, the following statistic was given in the press notes for the June 7 Chicago-Oakland game: The Oakland Athletics are 32-0 in games in which they have scored more runs than their opponents.

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating. Shocked, she asks,
"Bob, what are you doing?!"
Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"