Civil Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Attorney General John Ashcroft was speaking at an elementary school about rights and freedoms in America. 'Any questions,' he asked. A little boy raised his hand. 'My name is Billy, and I have two questions. First, why are you using the Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? Second, why haven't any weapons of mass destruction been found in Iraq?' Just then the bell rang, and Ashcroft stated, 'We'll resume after recess.'
Recess ended and Ashcroft again asked, 'Are there any questions? A little girl raised her hand. 'My name is Julie, and I have four questions. First, why are you using the Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? Second, why haven't any weapons of mass destruction been found in Iraq? Third, why did the recess bell ring ten minutes early? Fourth, where's Billy?'

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
What does an accountant do for birth control?
He talks about his business.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What's an insolvency practitioner?
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
What does more...

Smarties
Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp
The size of our footballs fields and one less down.
Baseball is Canadian
Lacrosse is Canadian
Hockey is Canadian
Basketball is Canadian
Apple pie is Canadian
Mr. Dress-up vs. Mr. Rogers
Tim Horton's vs. Dunkin' Donuts
In the war of 1812, which was started by Americans, Canadians pushed the Americans WAY back... past the White House. Then we burned it... and most of Washington. All of this was done under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied... go figure!
Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
Our civil war was only a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who more...

Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!"
The doctor chimed more...

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.
The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"

Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder
on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.
Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can
understand what they're saying.
When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's
ready when you are!"
Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.
Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it,
raise a ruckus.
Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g.
Lisa Marie - John Michael - Jim Bob...you get the idea)
Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in
conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always
interject that "there was nothing civil about more...