Consultant Jokes / Recent Jokes

The classified ad said, "Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience."

The man who won the job asked, "I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why' one armed'?"

The CEO answered, "I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase' on the other hand'."

A priest, a rabbi and a consultant were traveling on an airplane. There was a crisis and it was clear that the plane was going to crash and they would all be killed.

The priest began to pray and finger his rosary beads, the rabbi began to read the Torah and the consultant began to organize a committee on air traffic safety.

You're right; we're billing way too much for this.
Bet you I can go a week without saying "synergy" or "value-added". How about paying us based on the success of the project?

This whole strategy is based on a Harvard business case I read.
Actually, the only difference is that we charge more than they do. I don't know enough to speak intelligently about that.

Implementation? I only care about writing long reports.
I can't take the credit. It was Ed in your marketing department.

The problem is, you have too much work for too few people.
Everything looks okay to me. You really don't need me.

someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
a man who knows 99 ways to make love, but doesn't know any women.
someone who is called in at the last moment and paid enormous amounts of money to assign the blame.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.

It takes two things to be a consultant - grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes you look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make you look concerned.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less, until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.

Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.

We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
Three. One to change the bulb and two to write the standards and tell him what he did wrong.

Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Tom Peters would have done it.

Five. One to change the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it.

A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the countryside. He stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says
"I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong, you get my car."

The shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees.
"137" says the driver. "Damn me, you're right.", says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.

The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car, and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. "I've got a proposal for you." says the shepherd. "If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have all my sheep."

"Done", says the driver
"You're a consultant.", says the shepherd. "Bloody hell, how did you guess?"

"Easy. You come in here more...