Cousin Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dear Abby -
I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Army, and I have
a second cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles
Nazi hate literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former
dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his
patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole
supporters of our large family, including myself and my
$500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket
Benny "The Fingers") and my aunt and kid sisters, who are
well-known street walkers.
My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most
beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet
sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape
from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to
move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory
staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids
into the family business. But -- I am worried that my more...

Dearn Ann: I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But I am worried that my family will not more...

One day, a genie was in a remarkably good mood, so he decided to go around the world, granting people their fondest wishes.
First, he came to London, where he saw a very sad-looking Englishman. He said to the man, "I am a genie. Tell me what you want most, and I will grant it to you."
The Englishman said, "My cousin Nigel has the most beautiful mansion you ever saw, but I don't even have a house at all. It's not fair! I'm just as good as he is! Why should HE have such a beautiful house and not me? Well, I want you to give me a house even bigger than Nigel's."
The genie snapped his fingers, and the house appeared magically. The Englishman was delighted.
Next, the genie went to Paris, where he saw a sad Frenchman. The genie asked the Frenchman what he wanted most. The Frenchman said, "My cousin Pierre has the most beautiful wife you ever saw, but I don't have a wife at all. It's not fair!
Why should HE have a beautiful wife and not me? I more...

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by."What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon."Fishin'," said MacAndrews."Caught anything?""Ach, nae a bite,""What are ye usin' fer bait?""Worms""Let me see it," said O'Bannon. MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out."Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon."No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

Cousin Banta
Jallandhar

Dear Banta,
I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts in, pulled the chain and we have not seen them since.
Its only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time.
I know its cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Ma said it would be too heavy to mail with them buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes!
My sister had a baby this morning. I haven't more...

MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by." What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon." Fishin'," said MacAndrews." Caught anything?" "Ach, nae a bite,""What are ye usin' fer bait?" "Worms""Let me see it," said O'Bannon. MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of potcheen and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out." Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon." No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"