Crap Jokes / Recent Jokes

As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience.This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).Soldiers who more...

In 1934 a man named harry went to take a crap in a out house. Well there was a string thing about this out house it had to 2 crap holes. Well he went in and set his jacket down. About 30 minutes later harry was in the other hole with a 15ft fishin pole.johnny came by and asked what the hell are you doing he said i droped my jacket in the hole. john asked r u still gonna wear it? harry said no im tring to get the sandwich out of the side pocket!

There is 2 men. the first man called tom and the second man called sam.
one day tom was walking along the field and slipped on some dog crap, he got himself up cleaned him self down.
Then another man was walking across the field it was sam and he slipped on the same dog crap that tom did.
tom:"ha ha ha, i just did that"
sam:"you mucky bugger you"

There was once a non-conforming sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, the weather soon turned so cold that he changed his mind and reluctantly decided to fly south after all.
In a short time, ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth, landing in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed where he had fallen and crapped on the little sparrow. The little sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings.
Warm, happy, and able to breathe, the little sparrow began to sing.
Just then, a large cat came by, heard the chirping and investigated the sound. Clearing away the manure, the cat found the little chirping sparrow and promptly ate him!
The moral of the story...
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy.
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you may just want to keep your mouth shut.

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely going to crap when you hear the price."

As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future. A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE). Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience. This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW). Soldiers more...

A blonde buys a box of pampers on saturday and on sunday she is walking down the street and someone told her, her baby had 10 lbs of crap in their diper and she responded...the box said it held 10 lbs!