Crap Jokes / Recent Jokes

There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said "I've had enough of this flying south every winter, I'll just stay right here on this farm, what's the big deal, anyway?"

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. "Why did I stay?" he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by.
The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, "Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I'll get him for this!" The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he more...

A guy has to take a crap really bad so he goes into a bar, looks around and he thinks the bathroom could be upstairs, so he goes up and he can’t find the bathroom anywhere but he finds a hole in the floor and no-one is arround so he takes a crap in it. After that he goes downstairs and theirs no one down there so he asks the bartender were everyone is and he says “Where the hell were you when shit hit the fan? ”

Business Rules to Live ByIf you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. Keep your boss's boss off more...

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home. "Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out! " "Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old.
"No. .. not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6: 30." With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six more...

THREE GUY RENT A RAMBLER HOUSE. THE CHINESE GUY CALLED THE LIVING ROOM, THE BLACK MAN CALLED THE BASEMENT BY THE LAUNDARY SHUTE AND THE WHITE MAN WAS STUCK WITH THE BATHROOM.
THAT NIGHT THEY SLEPT IN THE HOUE AND THE CHINESE GUY WOKE UP & HAD TO TAKE A SHIT. THE WHITE MAN DIDN'T LET HIM IN AND SIAD CRAP IN THE SHEETS. THEN THE CHINESE GUY CRAPED IN THE PILOW CASE AND THREW IT DOWN THE LAUDARY SHUTE.
NEXT MORNIG THEY GOT UP AND TALKED. THE BLACK GUY ASKED THE WHITE MAN HOW HIS SLEEP WAS AND THE WHITE GUY SAID IT WAS GOOD UNTIL THE CHINESE GUY WOKE HIM UP. THEN THE CHINESE GUY SAID "I HAD TO REALLY TAKE A SHIT AND WENT IN A PILLOW CASE."
THEN THE BLACK GUY SAID "YOU GUYS THINK YOU HAD IT BAD? LAST NIGHT A GHOST CAME DOWN THE LAUNDARY SHOOT SO I HAD TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF IT!"

The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer more...

These 3 men were traped on a burning building and out popped a magic guy. He said that they could each make a wish to get off but they have to do some of the work to. One of the men was a Chinees guy. He went first. He wished he could turn into a hawk...His wish was granted. He flew off the buildidng uninjured. Another guy was an African person. He wished he was a eagle...His wish was granted too. So he flew off the building also uninjured. The last person was an American blonde guy. He was walking towards the end of the building about to make his wish when he tripped on a rock....He fell off the building and said,"
Ohh crap!!"
... and you guessed it! He turned into crap and fell down!
what a sad sad sad story