Crying Jokes / Recent Jokes

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I tell him, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, I tell him, "Probably because of something you did."

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The cheif of poice comes over
to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You`re
kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
askes the violist, "What`s wrong?" The violist answers, "The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs." The conductor replied, "I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?" To which the violist replied, "He won`t tell me which one!!"

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy droppeda rock, another dropped a brick, and the last droppeda grenade. When they got back on the ground they were walkingdown the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she wascrying she said "A rock fell from the sky, landed on mycat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were verysorry to here that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further downthe road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her whyshe was crying she said "A brick fell from the sky, land-ed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little furtherdown the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the news paper this more...

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old man, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love.
In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love.
At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love.

" The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn`t be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!

" So the old man says, "I know! I`m crying because I don`t remember where I live!"

My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get." I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about." If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me! You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank)..... I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking more...

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the more...

A pretty girl goes to church to make a confession to a priest. She is sobbing uncontrollaby when the priest asks her, "what's the matter my child?"
"My boyfriend did something bad to me," she said. The priest now kissed her and said, "Did he do this to you?" She shakes her head "no." He hugs her and said, "did he do this to you." she stutters a "no" between all her crying. He now pulled off her clothes and said, "Did he do this to you?" She stops crying enough to say"no." He now has his way with her and says, "did he do this to you?" She crys, "not exactly" After putting on his clothes and covering her up he asked, "Then what did your boyfriend do?" She crys out. "He raped me and gave me AIDS!" The priest fainted!