Crystal Jokes

Fergie, the female singer of the Black Eyed Peas, said in a recent article that she used to use crystal meth, and keeps herself off it by doing activities such as running and pole-dancing.

Yeah, pole-dancing. That'll keep away the crystal meth.

* He keeps shaking black crystal ball and says, "Ask again later."

* Every time you draw the Death card, she yells "Go Fish!"

* Looks suspiciously like that guy who fixed your muffler last week.

* His idea of an "out of body experience" involves whipped cream and women's clothing.

* His spoon bending requires two pliers.

* Sign in window: "As Seen on' 60 Minutes."

* During card-reading, asks if you want to "hit" or "stand."

* Insists that your astrological sign is "The Armadillo."

* Psychics Magazine rates her just below fortune cookies, just above your mom.

* Repeatedly attempts to read your palm with his genitalia.

* Shakes her crystal ball, then predicts a large snowstorm.

Sister Mary Holycard was in her 60s, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon early in the spring a young priest came to chat, so she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She then invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young priest noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water, and in the water floated, a condom. Well, imagine how shocked and surprised he was. Imagine his curiosity! Surely, he thought, Sister Mary had flipped or something! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat, and of course, the priest tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, and the strange floater. Soon it got the better of him and he could resist no longer." Sister," he asked, "I wonder if you could tell me about this?" (pointing to the crystal bowl)"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful?" "I was walking downtown more...

When traveling to the moon one day, astronauts discovered
amazing moon crystals. they took all they could find and, when
they got back, they shipped some moon crystals to all major
colleges around... except for Texas A&M. "Hey! We're a major
college! Give us some!" TAMU bitched. After thinking long and
hard the astronauts had a plan. "Well, we can't waste any of this
precious crystal" replied the lead astronaut," and Texas A&M is so
stupid they couldn't tell a moon crystal from a pile of cow shit" So
the astronauts gave Texas A&M a big pile of cow shit. 3 Weeks
later, on CNBC, all major colleges reported their discoveries of the
crystals. When Texas A&M came up they said" We now have
scientific proof that the cow did indeed jump over the moon."

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die aviolent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at thewoman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"