Cubs Jokes / Recent Jokes

In my next life I wanna be a female bear...
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup... I wanna be a bear.

A Massachusetts funeral home recently took delivery of the first Red Sox casket, which features the team logo on the exterior as well as the inside. The casket is manufactured by Eternal Image of Michigan, which has a licensing agreement with Major League Baseball. The company said that business has been brisk and the caskets are selling well, with the exception of the Chicago Cubs. When asked why, Fred Jones a Chicago resident and long time Cubs supporter said, “Our hopes and dreams for a World Series Champion have already been buried.”

* And the empire of the Great Nerd of the West shall crumble, when the thinking machines are destroyed by two millenniums of insects.
* The Anti-Christ will lose in personal combat with a small purple purse-carrying being with a triangle on its head.
* The Empire of the Right shall be led by a simpleton who knoweth not the spelling of the fruits of the earth.
* Women will take fitness advice from a hyperactive frizzy-haired man of questionable heterosexuality.
* A man made of wood will lead the great nation of the eagle.
* Devastation, fire, sword, pillage befalls the Elephant and the two-faced cow known as Linda.
* In a town known as Slidell, in a place called Louisiana, in a country designated the United States, there will be an eatery referred to as Taco Bell, that will eventually fill a drive-thru order correctly.
* The one-gloved king of the land known as Pop will form an unholy union with a particularly naughty chimpanzee.
* Joy and more...

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

I wanna be a bear.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she's a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they're Cubs fans, too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan is but wanting to be just like their teacher, the students launch their hands into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception: A girl named Lucy doesn't go along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she's decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Cubs fan," Lucy says.
"Then what are you?" asks the teacher.
"Why, I'm proud to be a Sox fan," boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she's a Sox fan. "Well, my mom and dad are Sox fans, so I'm a Sox fan, too."
The teacher is now very angry. "That's no reason!" she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
Lucy pauses, then smiles. "Why, more...

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago." So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man is doing just fine. "No problem... just like Chicago in June," the man says. So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable." No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the man says. So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and more...

If you're a bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
I wanna be a bear.