Current Jokes / Recent Jokes

Friendship Plan Announced

This is an addendum to the new compensation/benefits package.

BOEING MANAGED FRIENDSHIP

Welcome to Boeing Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends and relationships at work. With all the recent mergers and buyouts, it is difficult for most people to determine who their real friends are anymore. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the advantages of a traditional friendship network with company-approved representation and important cost-saving features.

How Does It Work?

Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

What's Wrong with my Current Friends?

If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of friendship providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, more...

Reported by Houston Chronicle's Ken Hoffman ;-)
"The most touching part of Cal Ripken Jr.'s speech after breaking Lou Gehrig's major league's baseball record was when he thanked the six most important people in his life: his mother, father, best friend, wife, and two children.
Not every pro athlete could have made that speech.
A few guys would have listed their six most important people as: his first wife, current wife, current girl friend, the women who claims he's the father of his child, agent, and lawer."

The current re-emphasis on education in our colleges is typified by one Midwestern university which has ruled that no athlete be awarded a letter unless he can tell at a glance which letter it is.

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago they would now be worth £4. 95.

With HBOS, earlier last week, your £1000 would have been worth £16. 50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.

But, if you had bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drunk it all, then taken the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would now get £214.
So, based on the above statistics, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.

Application to date my daughter
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________ SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________ HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? __________ If NO, explain_________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Number of years married________If less than your age, Explain______________________________________________ ____________________________________________________ Do you own a van? _____ A truck with oversized tires? _____ A waterbed? __________ A pickup with a mattress in the back? more...

Retire Aged Personell EarlyTO ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEESFROM GOVERNING BOREDDATE 22 APR 19861. As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we mustdrastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting management to focus its abuse on youngeremployees who represent our future.2. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by theend of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placedinto effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE(Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will begiven the opportunity to work other jobs within the system atgreatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program iscalled SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).3. All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may applyfor a new re- employment eligibility service. This service willbe called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority FollowingTermination). Current regulations state that more...

Have you seen the current remake of the movie "Cape Fear"? Its about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?