Deep Thoughts Jokes / Recent Jokes

Lerman's Law of Technology:
Any technical problem can be overcome given
enough time and money.
Corollary:
You are never given enough time or money. Law of the Search:
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary:
It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. Kaufman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens. First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else. Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references. Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard more...

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.Never test the depth of the water with both feet.It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut."To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world."Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."A coincidence is when God performs a miracle, and decides to remain more...

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.A closed mouth gathers no foot.I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.A dropped wrench will always end up exactly 1/2 inch beyond your reach.

Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.There is always one more idiot than you counted on.Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.By the time you can make ends meet, they move the more...

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.He who laughs last, thinks slowest.A day without sunshine is like, well, night.On the other hand, you have different fingers.Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you see me running, try to keep up." Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they do "Practice"?You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.A closed mouth gathers no feet.Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naïve spelled backwards? Think about it...The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed!A Wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard.. .. Violators Will Be Toad.