Doc Jokes / Recent Jokes

Tony was a typical forward in the football team - big and tough. But he was in trouble. He had put on too much weight and was told if he didn't lose some quickly, he'd be dropped from the team. He consulted a doctor at the sports clinic.

"We're testing a new method of weight reduction" said the Dr, "and we'd like you to try it out. You can eat as anything you like, and as much as you like, but instead of eating it, you must consume it anally." "What! Shove it up my arse?" asked Tony. "That's right" the Dr replied, "but there is one possible side effect... there's a 50% chance you may become homosexual." Tony was very concerned about this but really wanted to be on the team so he agreed.

Three weeks later, Tony returned to the Dr looking trim and fitter. "This is great!" he said. "I can eat anything I like. All I do is shove it up me bum!". "And you look great!" said the Dr "any more...

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice more...

A patient says to his doctor, "Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!". Doctor says to patient, "You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!"... next day... patient says, "Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!". Doctor says, "Oh really? That's good to hear!". "Oh by the way, "Patient says, "You've got a great house!"

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.
The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.
The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady. "Ummm humm..."
Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"
"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Oh. .. he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says: "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds: "Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm sure glad I brought him in!"

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that hispoor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for hismigraines and STILL no improvement." Listen," says the Doctor, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'mgoing to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I havea migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for awhile. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I canstand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then Iget out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head iskilling me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, theheadache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back andsee me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I tookyour advice and it works! It REALLY more...

A old snake goes to see his Doctor." Doc, I need something for my eyes... can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks. The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem... didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"