Elf Jokes / Recent Jokes

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a
Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes and laid Him in a manger
because there was no room for them in the inn.

And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I
bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which
is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel, said a Pharisee, who happened
to be strolling by.

As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious
symbols, and the stable was on public property, where such symbols
were not allowed to land, or even hover. "And I have to tell you,
this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene, he
said sadly. "That's a no-no, too.

Joseph had a bright idea, "What if I put a couple of reindeer over
there near the ox and the ass? he more...

10. After too much eggnog, Mrs. Claus is "all hands."
9. Ever since they hit the big time, those damn Keebler Elves act like we don't exist.
8. Santa keeps asking, "Does this suit make me look fat?"
7. That idiot Blitzen always mistaking you for a chew toy.
6. You're enjoying the Jacuzzi, and Santa gets in naked.
5. Now have to work through coffee breaks thanks to the McCaughey septuplets.
4. It's at least a thousand miles from North Pole to nearest strip club.
3. Next to "race" on the census forms, there's never a box marked "elf."
2. Hookers who laugh when you take your pants off.
1. Health plan doesn't cover sleigh rash.

On the night before Christmas, alone in my house,
My computer went down with the click of the mouse

I sat and I waited and sighed with dispair,
I wiggled and pouted, alone in my chair
The AO-Hell people were all snug in their beds,
While Christmas bonus pay checks danced in their heads.

Then out on the roof I heard such a clatter,
I arose from my chair to see what was the matter.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear.
But Santa himself and an Elf standing near

The Elf's Aol knowledge glowed, with experience so rare,
He rebooted my system with finesse and a flair.

More rapid than eagles my programs they came,
As he cursed and he muttered and called them by name.
On Start Up! On quicken! On explorer and delete!
On chatting! On Yahoo! On e-mail and complete!

His eyes were glassed over, his fingers nibble and lean,
From weekends and nights in front of HIS more...

An male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love
with a elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing the man drops his trousers. "It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots
smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved elf asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

Love is a merry little elf who dances a jig, then turns on you with a machine gun.

National Federation of Uniformed Elves
Main Office, North Pole
Female Elf Employment Application
1. Name ________________
2. Present Address ____________________
3. Age ___ (If under 100, parental permission is required)
4. Height ______ (If over 3 feet 6 inches, please attach waiver
application)
5. Present Occupation ____________ (If politician, forget it!)
6. Hobbies ______________________________
(If boys, boys, boys, do you like "little, little" boys?)
7. Professional Qualifications ______________________________
(Can you cook, sew, clean and other things male chauvinist
elves get off on?)
8. References ______________________________
(No religious references please. They tend to lead us astray.)
9. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting a
reindeer?
Yes ( ) No ( ) (if yes, you need not apply!)
10. Have you ever been arrested or convicted for molesting more...