Government Jokes / Recent Jokes

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs The Government Is Spying On You"
10. Post office wall has several photos of you sleeping
9. Your houseplant occasionally sneezes
8. Domino's keeps delivering to unmarked van parked across the street
7. Birthday card from your mom has several words blacked out
6. You get nominated for "Outstanding Lead Performance in an NSA Surveillance Video"
5. Your dishwasher functions are "Wash," "Rinse" and "Record"
4. Local news only reporting things that happen in your living room
3. Every time you say goodbye on the phone, you hear a strange voice say, "Roger that, Chico"
2. You googled a recipe for humus and the FBI raided your house
1. Suddenly discover there's an antenna bolted to your ass

Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Carlson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.
Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, more...

How does a shotgun with a broken firing pin resemble a government worker? It won't work and you can't fire it.

FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need. FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you more...

France's government decreed a ban on smoking in most public buildings starting February 1. A government rep stated it was long overdue. “Smoking is a filthy habit and shouldn’t be tolerated.” When asked if they will also work on improving relations with American Tourists they said; “now, let’s not get carried away here.”

Now that it's '88, it's time for some political nonsense (redundant?)
A LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE
SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government takes one to give
to someone else.
COMMUNISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and gives
you the milk.
FASCISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and sells
you the milk.
NAZISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one
and pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
ANARCHY - steal neighbour's bull, shoot the government.

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great
place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be more...