Governor Jokes / Recent Jokes

Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job.

"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," the Governor muttered.

At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. "Governor," the man said, "Is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"

"Certainly," the governor replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished."

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer"
(around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
(Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
Senior Citizen Give Me My Damn Discount
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
(on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, My Wife more...

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he's unfaithful, and really not much good at all."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
... George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
... Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
... Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
... Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
... Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
... Governor more...

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he more...

Alaska makes Craig an honorary citizen. The Governor of Alaska(now John McCain's 2008 running mate) sends Craig Ferguson a personalvideo offering honorary citizenship to the host. From June of 2007.

One year at halloween the governor was giving a costume party. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the doorman would announce what there characters were. When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse". As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane" and so on as each guest arrived. Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe." Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university CS department The doorman asked "How shall I announce you?" The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation""I'm very sorry sir", said the doorman in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering." "O. K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants"