Guest Jokes / Recent Jokes
A perfect guest is one who makes his host feel at home.
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run 1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good. 2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. 3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply more...
I was putting my sons to bed earley one Friday night in preperation for some expected guest .As I was about to turn the lights out, the youngest said "daddy could I have a glass of water "? I said no because he would wet the bed .So about 15 min later I heard him yell hot for his mother asking the same .Her responce was the samas mine .(no you will wet the bed).About 20 min later (10 min before the guest were about to arrive)he yelled out again asking me for water.I said "NO IF YOU ASK ME AGAIN i AM GOING TO CUT YOUR ASS"
Well the guest arrived and we were talking and drinking when my son yelled out "DADDY, WHEN YOU COME TO CUT MY ASS WOULD YOU PLEASE BRING ME A GLASS OF WATER.
Bob is throwing a party. He decides that, to break the ice at his party, he`ll ask his guests what their I. Q. is--hopefully this will strike up an appropriate conversation from there.
The day of Bob`s party rolls around, and when the first guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what her I. Q. is.
"200, 000" replies the first guest.
"Well, that`s great," says Bob, let`s talk about ethereal astro physics.
Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.
Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome to my party, what`s your I. Q.?"
The new guest responds with "250".
"Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.
Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name`s more...
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:
Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour
You and a guest will be escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The "Great White Encounter"
You and your tour guide will take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears"
You will be the honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.
Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo
You will be able to come up-close and personal with the more...
Hotel guest: Can you give me a room and a bath, please? Porter: I can give you a room, but youll have to wash yourself.
Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?""Sam," the man moaned."Where ya from, Sam?"With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."