Iron Jokes / Recent Jokes

a blonde walks into a doctors office with two third degre burns. the doctor asks what happend, the blone said i was ironing my clothes and then the phone rang and insted of picking up the phone i picked up the iron. the doctor said owch that must of hurt what happend to the other side. then the blonde said the stupid idiot called me back.

A man goes to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will not be in that day, hires another caddy. The day goes along pretty well and the new caddy seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th fairway, that has always been particularly tricky for the golfer, the man turns to the boy and asks, "Which club do you think I should use for this shot?"

The caddy says, "Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron."

The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the ball. He smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his wife happens to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed instantly.

Months go by after his wife's funeral, and the man still can't think about golf. But after a year, he thinks, "I really loved the game. I shouldn't let it go out of my life. It was a freak accident. The game gave me such joy, I should at least more...

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or more...

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to more...

Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady. Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.
Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into more...

The following are actual instructions found on the named items:
ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS;
- Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
- Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
- Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: - Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT
- Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
- Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
- Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
- Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
- Warning keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
- For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
- Not to be more...