Killer Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

What the world is like in TV land: 1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall. 2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation. 3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength. 4. The suburbs are exciting. 5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys. 6. Good guys are always outnumbered. 7. Good guys always win and get the girl. 8. Good guys are always good looking. 9. Ugly people are always bad guys. 10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways. 11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men. 12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness. 13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor. 14. Cars will explode in all accidents. 15. Everyone has a dark secret. 16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten. 17. Haunted houses are never locked. 18. The police are smart. 19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg. 20. All Asian people know Karate. more...

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncountedthousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused byaccidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxidedo not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severetissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweatingand urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and bodyelectrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMOwithdrawl means certain death.Dihydrogen monoxide:1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"3. may cause severe burns4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer more...

* This is a good reminder, for all of us. You can never read this
too many times!!
1. Tip from police: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough, USE IT!
2. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more
interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you but everybody else will. This has
saved lives.
4. Women have a tendency to get into their car after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to more...

Isn't this the truth!...1970: Long Hair2000: Longing for hair1970: The perfect high.2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.1970: Keg.2000: EKG.1970: Acid Rock.2000: Acid Reflux.1970: Moving to California because it's cool.2000: Moving to California because it's warm.1970: Growing pot.2000: Growing pot belly.1970: Douglas Street bridge.2000: Dental bridge.1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.1970: Seeds and stems.2000: Roughage.1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.2000: Popping joints.1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.1970: Paar.2000: AARP.1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.1970: Killer weed.2000: Weed killer.1970: Hoping for a BMW.2000: Hoping for a BM.1970: The Grateful more...

Guess the following movie quotes. All movies were released between the years 1980 and 1989. Comedies, dramas, action, etc. Some are quite simple, and others are more difficult.

There are 37 items, followed by the answers at the bottom, so you may wish to save reading this for a less hectic portion of your day.

1) Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

2) We're on a mission from God.

3) People on' ludes should not drive.

4) This house is clean.

5) Shall we play a game?

6) Terrific!! I've got a trig mid-term tomorrow, and I'm being chased by Guido the killer pimp.

7) Back off man, I'm a scientist.

8) That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else.

9) I know a little German. He's sitting over there.

10) Can I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo.

11) Excuse me, Dick, I mean Rich, will milk be more...