Lutheran Jokes / Recent Jokes
...you talk to someone else and look at their shoes first.. ..you have more than three friends whose first names have the letter "j" as the second letter.. ..the only open pew is up front, so you volunteer to shovel the sidewalk.. ..Ole and Lena are really the names of your relatives.. ..you know what a Lutheran Church Basement Woman is.. ..you give a party and don't tell anyone where it is.. ..you think hotdish is one of the major food groups.. ..your five-year-old recites the Old Testament books as Genesis, Exodus, Lutefisk...
...someone asks you after church if there's any "decaf coffee" and you laugh because you KNOW that if it doesn't have caffeine, it can't be coffee!. ..you think anyone who says "casserole" instead of "hotdish" is trying to be uppity (or maybe even Episcopalian!). ..you think the term "Jell-O salad" is redundant.. ..you freeze the leftover coffee from fellowship hour for next week.. ..when you were little you actually thought the Reverend's first name was "Pastor.". ..you think you're paying your pastor too much if he gets a new car for the first time in eight years.. ..you hear something really funny and smile as loud as you can.. ..it takes 10 minutes to say good-bye.
... you pronounce the word Lutheran "Lutern.". ..requests you hear are preceeded or followed by the phrase, "If it's not too much trouble then...". ..you know all the words to the first verse of "Silent Night" in German but can't speak a word of it.. ..you carry silverware in your pocket to church just in case there's a potluck.. ..you have an uncontollable urge to sit in the back of any room.. .. P.M.S. is defined as "Post Merger Syndrome.". ..your house is a mess because you're "saved by Grace," not by works.. ..the doilies underneath the Thanksgiving flowers make nice snowflakes at Christmas.
...you think the communion wafers are too spicy.. ..your mother reminds you often that she wishes you'd studied the organ.. .. you dress up as your favorite reformer for Halloween.. ..your mother could give any Jewish mother a run for the money in the guilt department.. ..you think lime Jell-O with cottage cheese and pineapple is a gourmet salad.. ..you think that an ELCA Lutheran bride and an LCMS groom make for a "mixed marriage.". ..Folgers has you on their Christmas list.. ..your congregation's first two operating rules are "Don't change" and "Don't spend."
...you think tuna hotdish is a gourmet meal.. ..your idea of an affirmation is "This is most certainly true.". ..you feel guilty about not feeling guilty.. ..it's 110 degrees outside and you still have coffee after services.. ..change means wearing your brown suit instead of your blue suit to church.. ..you read your Catechism and start arguing theology with yourself because no one else is around.. ..the most mail you receive all year is from the Stewardship Committee.. ..you take your grandfather to McDonalds for breakfast and he asks for a large order of McLefsa.. ..you win $10 million in the lottery and decide to throw a party and money is no object, so you advertise in the church bulletin, rent the parish hall, and ask all of your friends to bring a side dish or salad.
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and hes stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"And the minister says, "Just water."The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, Hes done it again!"
...your church library has three Jell-O cookbooks.. ..it's time to change a lightbulb and the left side of the aisle begins a debate on "change," while the right side of the aisle musters five volunteers--one to hold the bulb, and four to turn the ladder.. ..you laugh out loud while reading this list, and relive your childhood at the same time.. .. you think the four food groups are coffee, lefse, lutefisk, and Jell-O.. ..you can actually come up with responses to this.. ..you sign a petition to have Campbell Soup Co. rename its "Cream of Mushroom soup" "Lutheran Binder!". ..you actually think the pastor's jokes are funny.. ..the bumper sticker on your car says, "Legalize Lutefisk!"