Maine Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mets pitcher John Maine won his first game since May. Though it was against the Nationals, so we don't yet know if he's healthy.
 

Two guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all of the equipment; the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the row boat, the car and even a cabin in the woods of Maine. They spend a fortune.
Then they drive eight hours to Maine.
The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they are driving home they are really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish cost us fifteen hundred dollars? ”
The second guy says. “Wow! It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more! ”

A man in Maine, drinking at a friend'shouse, got into an argument with his wife and later narrowly missedas he tried to run her down with his pick-up truck. The woman feelsextremely lucky, three months earlier and the plow would've beenattached.

The Chamber of Commerce from each state has a slogan to get you to visit their city.
Las Vegas, NV: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
Hershey, PA: The sweetest place on earth.
Palm Springs, CA: Give in to the desert, you're surrounded.
And then there are some we don't hear about.
New York City: The smelliest place on earth
Los Angeles, CA: Give in to the gangmembers, you're surrounded.
Maine: What happens in Maine... Who cares? It's f**king boring as hell here.

One morning around 5am 22 year old Susan DeLucci of Kittery, Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate.
At first she thought she had diarrhea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realized that it was urinary pain.
It was very similar to the feeling of having diarrhea, just out the wrong hole.
She wobbled to the toilet and upon sitting on it, her vagina erupted into the most horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard.
In paralyzing pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while she gripped the sides of the toilet, white-knuckled.
She was screaming wildly, and the neighbors called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms. DeNucci unconscious lying on the floor of her bathroom wearing nothing but her bath robe.
Running down her leg, was a stream of brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg which was bent more...

Signs in the USA (mostly)
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant:
"Now serving live lobsters"
On the menu of a restaurant:
"Blackened bluefish"
In a Maine restaurant:
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
In a New Jersey restaurant:
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the walls of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
- Sisters of Mercy"
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store:
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."
In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"
In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 more...

A family from Maine was visiting relatives in Georgia one summer. The little
boy from Maine was playing with his little girl cousin. Since it was so hot,
they stripped and waded in the creek for a while. As they were sunning
themselves afterward, the little girl drawled, "Ya know, ah never knew there
was so much difference between a Yankee and a Southerner."