Miss Jokes / Recent Jokes

The libidinous miss listened patiently as her married sister extolled the benefits of the quiet life. "That's not for me," she playfully commented. "I once tried to give up drinking, smoking and sex-and it was the longest twenty minutes I ever spent."

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class if they could name some things you can suck!"
"Ice cream, ma'am!" Little Mary answered.
"Good, Jane." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?". "How about a lollipop!" said Steven.
"Very good, now it's your turn Johnny!", the teacher said. Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp!".
The teacher and all of the students wondered about his answer.

The teacher asked him, "Johnny, why do you think one can suck a lamp?"
Last night when I passed my parents room", Little Johnny answered, "I heard my mom say, turn off the lamp honey, I wanna suck."

The Chocolate Ritual (You need to know a bit about wicca for this to be a knee slapper.. . )

Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art
Cast no calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quik where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE
(using the Tootsie roll)

CALL THE more...

Things came to a head last week and the name Monica Lewinsky is fast
becoming a real mouthful at the White House. The latest news about
President Clinton is definitely hard to swallow and seems certain to
leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the current administration. It
will be some time before all the stains resulting from this issue are
removed from the Oval Office.
Monica Lewinsky has proved to be not as tight lipped as Clinton had
hoped and is expected to spit out the truth to a Grand Jury tomorrow.
She will surely go down in history for her orations concerning the
comings and goings behind the doors of the Oval Office. Monica was
apparently on her knees when she received the recent gagging order
from the White House and now has to decide whether to swallow her pride
and dispose of the evidence, or to succumb to the deep throated
rumblings of the Washington Press Corp. and spill the issue wide open.
Any attempt by Lewinsky more...

While the secretary was sitting in Mr. Greene's office taking dictation she noticed that his fly was open. Upon leaving the office she told him, "Mr. Greene, your barracks door is open."
Not understanding her remark he looked down some time later and noticed that his fly was unzipped. He decided to have some fun and called her back into his office. "Tell me Miss Carter, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" he asked.
Miss Carter replied, "No sir. What I did see was a tiny diabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Teacher: Polly How Can U Tell Yhe World Is Round? Polly: I Never Said It Was, Miss

A blonde was spending most of her vacation sunbathing on the hotel roof. The first day she wore a bathing suit. However, on the second day she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of it to get an even tan.
She had hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. Since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me miss," said the out of breath, flustered assistant manager of the hotel. "The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would appreciate it if you would wear a bathing suit as you did yesterday!"
"What difference does it make?" she calmly asked. "No one can see me up here and besides, I am covered with a towel."
"Not exactly, miss," replied the embarrassed man. "You happen to be lying on the dining room skylight!"