Morals Jokes / Recent Jokes
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
1. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
2. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
3. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
4. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
5. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
6. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
7. One Day my ship will come in... but with my luck, I'll be at the airport.
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile of fresh cow manure.
Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate.
Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the floor. .. Dead.
And the moral to the story is: *
*
*
*
*
*
*
* Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of s#it.
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that he has a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left
in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This genie appears to be a Hassidic rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, etc.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!"
"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and more...
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant,' but I haven't got the energy'.
' Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.' They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that more...