Outdoor Jokes / Recent Jokes

40% Presents:

6% Presents with no useful functions.
4% Presents with a function, but which will never be used.
10% Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate.
11% Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after
the intended recipients get tired of them.
6% Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for.
3% T-shirts with writings on them.
* Presents you really like and can use
* Too small a % to be statistically significant.

21% Decorations:

6% Christmas tree (less if you're really cheap and wait till
Dec. 24th to buy it!).
1% Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out
last year.
1% Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on
this year.
2% Christmas tree ornaments.
3% Christmas tree ornament hooks (includes the gas for that
extra trip you always have to make back to store because
there weren't enough more...

Good: Your hubby & you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your wife bought you a porn movie.
Bad: It's over five years old.
Worse: Your daughter's the star.
Good: Your son's interested in school.
Bad: He has to do extra credit to pass.
Worse: Making a sex ed video.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the "Birds & Bees" talk to your kid
Bad: He keeps interupting.
Worse: With corrections!
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer. (a GOOD one)
Good: Your more...

Statistics compiled by MAD Magazine Issue 228, January 1982. (Dated but still a relevant source).
40% - Presents.
6% - Presents with no useful functions.
4% - Presents with a function, but which will never be used.
10% - Presents the recipient will say they like, but really hate.
11% - Presents you really want for yourself, and plan to use after the intended recipients get tired of them.
6% - Presents for people you hate, but feel you have to buy for.
* -Presents the recipients will really like.
3% - T-shirts with writings on them.
21% - Decorations.
6% - Christmas tree (less if you're really cheap and wait till Dec. 24th to buy it!).
1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones that burned out last year.
1% - Christmas tree lights to replace the ones you stepped on this year.
2% - Christmas tree ornaments.
3% - Christmas tree ornaments hangers (includes the gas for that extra trip you always have to make back to store because more...

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the mother said. "Where is he?" "Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."