Packet Jokes / Recent Jokes
The following are actual instructions found on the named items:
ON HAIRDRYER INSTRUCTIONS;
- Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP,
- Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
- Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: - Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT
- Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING
- Product will be hot after heating
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE
- Do not drive car or operate machinery
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID)
- Warning: may cause drowsiness
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE
- Warning keep out of children
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS
- For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR
- Not to be more...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after more...
Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their more...
In the words of Albert Einstien "There are two things infinite; the universe and human stupidity," if this doesn't prove one of them, I am not sure what will. (Oh, and let me tell you, this doesn't prove anything about the universe)
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE
BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL more...
Detroit, Oregon - A hunter thought he had found a severed human head in an abandoned mining shed and called the police. Deputy Larry Taylor realized it was just the head of a mannequin when he noticed a price sticker on the forehead.
Redondo Beach, California - After a short chase, officer Joseph Fonteno charged the driver of a white Mazda with DUI. The car had been driving down Pacific Coast Highway with the upper half of a traffic light pole laying across its hood. When Fonteno asked the drunk driver about the pole, he responded: "It came with the car when I bought it."
Australia - The Australian Police Journal reported that an elderly woman had already used about half of the powder in a custard packet when she discovered an object that appeared to be a large dead cockroach. However, when she brought it to the Health Department, food analysts determined it to be a dried-up human finger. The following investigation revealed that a factory worker had more...
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report! If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted' cause the index doesn't hash, Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash! If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,' Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause more...
A guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout.
After about 15 minutes in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms. Not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot"
"Do you know what size you are?" she asked. "No," he replied.
"OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are".
The guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way. Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his prick and so says the same thing to the girl.
A similar course of events takes place, only this more...